I drop the search for Mr Right as Mr Dangerous and Unavailable wants to move in with me

after over 3 months desperately looking for Mr Right on dating websites Guardian Soulmates, Elite Singles and the Inner Circle I actually meet Mr Right through my Britain Stronger In Europe activities but realise I am actually looking for Mr Dangerous or Mr Unavailable

Day 99. After completing all blogging activities go to Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous meeting in Hampstead. Of course as the meeting is an hour and a half long, way beyond my concentration span, I arrive at the end of the meeting. Spend the tail end of the meeting scoping out the crowd to see if there is anyone I fancy. There is a Greek positively Arabic looking man but he has previously been very hostile. However at a group dinner after the meeting his attitude to me seems to have improved and he asks for my phone number. Not missing a trick I ask him round to my house the following day.

Day 100. Frantically blogging and promoting on Facebook my post about meeting the Prime Minister David Cameron. Then do an hour campaigning for Britain Stronger in Europe in only-safe-in-daylight Harlesden with Labour councillor. Mr Right, perfect parent to frozen embroyos comes to my house to pick up some leaflets but I realise I don’t fancy him any more. This is annoying as, although he is 20 years younger than me, I think he would make a very caring boyfriend. Gorgeous Greek/Arabic guy texts me to say he is coming round. Wildly excited I tidy up the house. He spends 3 hours at my house and says he wants to move in with me. Just as a lodger unfortunately. But because he is an addict and has previously been hostile and unavailable I decide he is the perfect boyfriend. As he is a Marxist and I am a Tory this may not work.  We discuss in depth my plans to become the Minister for Mental Health.

Day 102. Another big Britain Stronger in Europe event with the Prime Minster, the leader of the Liberal Democrats and a senior Labour Party figure. Have met Prime Minister so many times this week it is starting to get very boring. As the event will be shown live on Television I try to position myself in prime view of the cameras. But unfortunately judge this wrong and only my foot is broadcast.

Myself Caroline Turriff and the Green Party Leader Natalie Bennett at a rally for Britain Stronger in Europe involving the Prime Minister David Cameron the Leader of the Liberal Democrats Tim Farron and senior Labour figure Harriet Harman

Get picture with Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, who is very nice. Then spend rest of day practising speech to give to crucial meeting of Labour Councillors in rough but improving Stonebridge.

Day 103. More campaigning for Britain Stronger in Europe as I visit a school in Harlesden to hand out leaflets about the referendum. I notice that many of the ethnic minority residents of my local area are not sure they are going to vote. This saddens me as it means they will be disenfranchised from this decision.   Just before women’s Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous meeting very excitingly get a text from Greek Arabic looking guy inquiring about the theatre trip I have suggested. Am so wild with excitement that I feel like I’ve done 4 grammes of coke and, although I try to stay off my phone during the meeting, have to send him a text. Share about my attraction to Mr Dangerous and Mr Unavailable and resolve will try to stay away from him.

Day 104. Frantic day preparing my speech on the benefits of the European Union to what is supposed to be a massive gathering of Labour councillors in Stonebridge, Harlesden. Sarah my close friend from Divorced from My Drug Dealer Anonymous coaches public speakers for a living and gives me various presentation tips.   When I turn up only 4 people are there revealing the apathy of the Labour Party about the Referendum.

I give a speech to the Stonebridge branch of the Labour Party including Councillor Bobby Thomas and Councillor Ernest Ezeajughi giving the facts about the EU referendum

The speech and Q and A session afterwards goes very well, Sarah says I am a natural presenter and should be on TV. We formulate a plan to try to make the Remain message more interesting to Labour voters. If Labour voters don’t turn out we could lose this Referendum, hence David Cameron’s cosying up to them.

Day 105.   I share with my therapist that I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work and responsibility I have taken on for Britain Stronger in Europe which has displaced the blog as my new obsession. We decide I will refrain from answering emails at midnight. Still, as I have not had a job apart from doing building projects for my entire 11 year recovery, we both agree that the campaign is fantastic training for me to get a job in politics. Throughout my 13 years at the BBC I have never managed anyone. As I was always up to an hour late I was only ever asked to manage a tea round. Now I am organising a team of a hundred voluteers covering 30 events a week with supreme efficiency and flair. This requires quite a lot of psychology which I’m good at having spent decades in therapy. There is absolutely no sign that I have any mental health problems. I also love interacting with voters on the door step and trying to persuade them with my arguments. I could actually be a Member of Parliament, the first MP who opens admits to having snorted cocaine 22 hours a day!

Day 106.  More campaigning for BSE as we go to a school in Wembley North London. Most of the parents are ethnic minorities and do not look like they are going to vote or know much about the referendum. I fear that many ethnic minorities are going to be disenfranchised from this referendum. Avoid going to Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous meeting in Hampstead where Mr Dangerous/Unavailable is going to be. Go to women’s Divorced from my drug dealer anonymous meeting, genuinely seeking recovery. But, as receive a barrage of texts emails and phone calls from people at BSE, cannot focus on the meeting.

Day 107. Wild excitement as drag myself out of bed pretty shattered to go to a Conservatives In leafleting event in South London. Not only is a government minister, Mark Holdsworth there, the head of the Conservatives In campaign but also the unpopular but constantly on TV business secretary Sajid Javid.

Picture of Caroline Turriff with government ministers Mark Holdsworth and business secretary Sajid Javid

Is fantastic opportunity to show off highly effective street campaigning style to Tories in government as part of my mission to secure a job as the Minister of Mental Health. My first job, in charge of Mental Health, will be to tackle the massive disparity in waiting times across the country. Is such good opportunity for hobnobbing I ditch a Labour event in North London that I was due to go to. Minister Mark Holdsworth invites me to go on battle bus with Prime Minister David Cameron the following Monday. In such close proximity to Prime Minister I must be able to get a selfie and more rubbing shoulders with those in power will help my political ambitions. Spend afternoon leafleting in once dodgy as fuck but now improving Harlesden with Labour party councillors. But having had  a whiff of power from Tory party cabinet ministers in the morning this is a bit of an anti-climax.

Day 108. Meet Mr Right as part of campaigning activities in the morning which unfortunately are stopped by torrential rain. But he is looking rather white and as White Man Apocalypse in on me in full force categorically do not fancy him. Have a coffee with him and stare at his beautiful face and wonder why I don’t fancy him. Because he was showing signs of unavailability – not answering my texts the previous night as he was out on a date – I thought perhaps I would. Rush to get nails done in preparation for meeting with the Prime Minister. I thought he was very hot – and I’m sure the feeling will be mutual. Alas while out campaigning that night get message from Conservatives In that there is no space on the bus for me. Will have to show off my nails to 75 year old married man I am campaigning with.

Day 109. Campaigning from 7.30 in the morning till 9.30 at night and finish the day feeling exhausted. But, apart from my commitment to the cause and wishing to avoid predictions of a recession and a million job losses if we leave, my obtaining a job as Minister for Mental Health depends on our side winning the Referendum. My Britain Stronger in Europe activities will be music to the ears of  pro-European ministers. But if David Cameron has to resign and Leave campaigner Boris Johnson becomes Prime Minister there will be a purge of pro-Europeans from government and my Stronger In activities will be an anathema.

Day 110. Wake up so exhausted cannot go to my Step Aerobics class and realise I will have to tone down the campaigning. Have decided will only do a few hours today and will take night off and go to my women’s Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous meeting. See Mr Right again but he is looking very white. Fabulously my sponsor who has left London is at the meeting and we have a great catch up. Love this meeting and the women at it!

Day 111. More pressure from Stronger In as they say we have to deliver our polling day plans to them in two days time. As only about 5 people have confirmed they are going to be available on polling day we are not going to be able to do very much. Resolve that I will spend the whole evening phoning people to get them signed up for polling day. The opinion polls are looking bad – the people who want to leave Europe are ahead – and we have to put in every ounce of effort if we are to avoid being dragged out of the European Union. The wildly ambitious plans Stronger In had for polling day are simply not got to fly unless they supply us with more volunteers. As I have noticed that many of the ethnic minorities in Brent particularly muslim women look like they are not going to vote I hatch an idea to get the mayor of London, first Muslim mayor of any European capital, to my local area to address ethnic minority voters. This will generate TV coverage and maybe I will be interviewed. As I am trying to emphasise my minority credentials in order to get job in Tory party have decided I will change my hair extensions to semi afro and let my natural hair be in its natural semi Afro state.

Day 112.  Shocking news that young female Labour MP, Jo Cox, mother of two young children has been shot and stabbed to death in her constituency. Jo Cox was a prominent campaigner for us to remain in the European Union and the person who killed her reportedly shouted “Put Britain first” before he shot her. Britain Stronger in Europe suspend all our campaigning activities fearing for our safety. As members of the public have free access to MPs and councillors in the UK this raises serious questions about the safety of all public figures. After such a lot of interaction with voters during the Referendum campaign I now want to be an MP myself. It is a testament to my recovery from decades of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that this brutal killing does not put me off.

Day 113. Frantic planning for polling day in the referendum. While internal argument rages as to whether I do or don’t go to the Hampstead meeting of Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous to see Mr Dangerous. Although I thought I’d weaned myself off men similar to the ex-armed robber Mr Dangerous, obviously, was a drug dealer. Of course the reason I do not fancy Mr Right is that he has no criminal convictions at all. After some reflection decide will probably go to the meeting. This is feeding the addiction but I do need a man I actually fancy in place to parent my frozen embroyos. The only drawback to this is that they may be born with little horns.

Feel incredibly wired as drive to the meeting, not missing the irony that I am going to a recovery meeting in order to fix my addiction. But God (who I now sort of believe in again) had other plans. Mr Dangerous was not at the meeting. Still, spotted an unfeasibly young but very attractive posh ethnic man who I managed to manoeuvre to sit next to at dinner afterwards. I always manage to sort these logistical issues out. But he was even more unavailable than Mr Dangerous. Go to the 50th Birthday party of a fellow campaigner in Britain Stronger in Europe where the man I immediately fancy is wearing a wedding ring. I guess I better get used to being on my own.

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Next week: Does Britain vote to leave or stay in the European Union?

I meet the Prime Minister David Cameron and ask him for a job as the Minister for Mental Health

As the head campaigner for Britain Stronger in Europe in Brent I go to a rally about the EU referendum with the Prime Minister David Cameron and the mayor of London Sadiq Khan

Day 87. Wild excitement as my turbo charged political activities to keep Britain a member of the European Union continue. Go to Britain Stronger in Europe event I have set up and the hottest volunteer of entire organisation is there. Of course this is not entirely coincidental as he was first person I called to come. Although he doesn’t look so good in daylight (he is white and without a tan) decide that he has lovely smile and invite him for tea after the event. There is another volunteer there but this is good cover as being in charge of my local area I cannot be too obvious in my romantic ambitions. Ask hottest volunteer if he wants to come on pub crawl to target young voters on Friday night. He says he wants to come and stays for tea much longer than expected. But as he is tall and very good looking and normal can he possibly be single?

Day 88. Efforts continue to achieve Lazarus like resurrection of journalism career. Read women’s magazines all day to try to pitch story about record numbers of women having 1st child over 40. After finish phone pitches and emails,  spend all evening working on blog which, very excitingly, a top publisher has agreed to read.

Day 89. Show my therapist my phone pitches for women’s magazines as she was the Art Director of Vogue and throws in all stylist related queries on accessories for free. Decide will include in pitch to Psychologies magazine that I was previously pretty crazy but avoid mentioning this in emails to other magazines.

Day 90. Sarah my friend from Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous comes to stay as she is temporarily homeless as she can’t stay at her parents’ house as they’re not getting on. Feel incredibly disturbed to have someone in the house overnight for the first time in 3 years. Because of nervous breakdown and 10 hour a day OCD have not been able to have anyone to stay.  But her staying is sign of OCD recovery. Remember how she rescued me after breakup with ex-armed robber by offering me her floor to sleep on so very happy to see her.

Day 91. Go to Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous in Notting Hill in search of hot blue eyed secretary. But decide that, instead of arriving late and being on my phone the whole meeting like the week before, I will put my best foot forward ignore phone and share something inspiring. You do have to appear to be grateful and recovered member of the fellowship if you want to pull someone well. He does have a lovely voice and looks just like dark version of ex-armed robber. But do get feeling at the end of the meeting that he doesn’t want to speak to me and may actively dislike me. Maybe my shameless quizzing of his economic potential by asking what he did the week before has put him off? Hopes of finding real man in real life are dwindling and think will have to go for a sperm donor.

Day 91.  Wonderful interview with lawyer for over 40 first time mothers story. She tells me that if you go to a Norwegian sperm bank you can not only get a photo of the donor but an entire “dating video.”  This is totally like my idea in my screenplay the Fish Tank Babies and resolve will phone Norwegian sperm bank soon. Only problem is Norwegians are blond and blue eyed and was looking for ethnic sperm donor.

Day 92.  As hottest volunteer is coming on Britain Stronger in Europe pub crawl with me decide will pay emergency visit to the hairdressers. Have wildly successful pub crawl through local area spreading message of benefits of Britain remaining in the EU, and obviously trying to pull every hot guy I see with my new chat up line “Have you thought about the European Referendum.”  Decide that hot volunteer is fantastically intelligent as well as very attractive and that he would be perfect sperm donor. The only thing is he doesn’t know this yet. And I can’t try to persuade him until after the referendum as the question “Can you leaflet Asda Brent Park on Saturday and then will you be my sperm donor” may strike him as odd.

Day 93. Go to another Britain Stronger in Europe event with Sarah where the former Labour party leader Ed Milliband is speaking. Manage to slip in some rubber necking to see if anyone I fancy is there and do spot a very attractive half Japanese Tory who unfortunately is only 18.  Hot volunteer from my local area is at the speech and I obviously ask him for coffee afterwards. Unfortunately so focused on capturing him as a sperm donor that miss the opportunity to speak to the former Labour leader.  Inquire about hot volunteer’s housing status and find out he is renting a room, ie has even less money than the ex-armed robber.

Day 94. Leafleting session for Conservatives In in South London (Tory group campaigning to stay in the European Union) in which I meet a Cabinet minister and we get on rather well. She invites me to an event with the Prime Minister the next day and although I am completely shattered I say I will try to come.  Have organised very successful community meeting for Britain Stronger in Europe with one of its head honchos which many people turn up to, including hottest volunteer. Everyone at the meeting breaks into applause thanking me for all the work I have done for the campaign. Am so exhausted barely make it through the two and a half hour meeting but limp home afterwards.

Day 95. Wake up after early night feeling refreshed and dash off to South London to meet the Prime Minister. Of course other people will be there but am looking so hot I am sure he will only have eyes for me. Use build up to Prime Minister’s speech to scout around room looking for BSE volunteers I fancy. See tall rather fat man and shamelessly go up to him. He eyes me up and down and we start talking. He is not perfect as he was smoking which I hate and has a belly at least as big as the ex-armed robbers. But he is very posh and I wonder if he is single. Shove myself to the front of the crowd that is waiting for David Cameron. He is sharing a platform with the new Labour mayor of London, the first muslim mayor of any major European city, Sadiq Khan. Although the Prime Minister has previously said that Sadiq Khan was an extremist this seems to have been forgotten as they join forces to promote Britain’s membership of the EU. David Cameron is very attractive and decide I will ask him for a job.  As he shakes hands with the crowd after his speech I put forward my proposal that I will be the government’s new Minister for Mental Health. When he questions my qualifications I tell him to check out the blog.

Day 96. Preparing for key speech I am going to give to Labour Party activists in my local area to try to get them to campaign to stay in the European Union. As my local constituency has a 29,000 Labour majority they pretty much have the whole area sewn up. As I grew scales and a tail before the last General Election and was diagnosed as an incurable Tory I have limited understanding of the concerns of Labour voters. Speak to highly intelligent Labour Party activist from Stronger In  about what to say in the speech. After I’ve spoken to him discover he’s still at school. The great thing with Stronger In is that everyone is highly intelligent and interested in politics. Is very similar to being at the BBC. Speak to hottest volunteer about content of my speech which he says is very good. .

Day 97. Spend whole day preparing for speech and reflecting on the fact that I have actually met someone very attractive who fancies me ie the hottest volunteer. But now I realise he is definitely interested in me my interest in him is waning. He comes to support me at the Labour Party event (my first ever political speech) and I realise that I don’t fancy him anymore.  As he is tall, dark, handsome, brilliantly intelligent and very nice this suggests that my sex drive is only activated by people who are dangerous or unavailable. Is this the real reason why I am still single at 46?  That I don’t actually want to find Mr Right? Maybe I have “intimacy issues” and actually like being on my own…

I address a meeting of Labour Party activists in Queens Park in Brent about the benefits of the UK staying in the European Union according to the Bank of England the Confederation of British Industry the Institute for Fiscal Studies and the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and DevelopmentSpeech at Labour party event goes very well but I leave disturbed. Something is clearly very wrong with me.

Day 98. Spend whole day concealing I am a Tory while speaking to Labour councillors in my local area about campaigning in Stonebridge which was previously one of most notorious areas in Britain. I ask the councillor if my car will be stolen if I park there but he tells me I will be fine as long as I leave before dark. Have put on fake tan so look more ethnic for Stonebridge but am not sure how my expensive boarding school accent will go down. Hottest volunteer is coming (he wants to do all my campaigning with me!) and am going to have to face fact that here is a a gorgeous man, 20 years younger than me, brilliantly intelligent and really quite into me that I have somehow gone off. Am I afraid of a functional relationship?

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Next week: Absolutely no idea….now I’ve met the Prime Minister maybe I’ll meet Barack Obama as well!