The 10 craziest things my denial has told me…

Throughout my cocaine alcohol shopping addiction and bulimia I managed to convince myself, despite being completely out of control, that I did not have a major problem as I had denial big enough to house the entire population of Beijing

  1. Despite drinking 21 hours a day that I could not be an alcoholic as I had never been filmed on reality TV attacking the police. Specifically, I had to be filmed in Newcastle, a hard drinking town in the north of England. My drinking was obviously fine as I had never been there.
  2. That waking up from a self-administered Rohypnol and alcohol induced blackout in the middle of having sex with someone I definitely did not want to f**k was just “one of those things that happens when you’re having fun.”
  3. That it was normal to be so tanked up on alcohol that you couldn’t actually remember whether you’d had sex with someone or not.
  4. That everyone in England collapsed on the floor of nightclub toilets, had to be carried out by the entire bar staff, went into convulsions and then almost caused a car crash by kicking the person in the head who was taking them home. This I said to my relatives in Jamaica was a “cultural difference” they didn’t understand.
  5. That the best response to thinking I was having a cocaine induced heart attack while driving in Jamaica was to take more cocaine and drive on.
  6. That my drug dealer in England (who I had heard had beaten up several of his girlfriends) was not only of impeccable moral character but also my “best friend” as he gave me free cocaine.
  7. After practically moving him into my house and doing cocaine with him 20 hours a day when he wanted to date me I said “I couldn’t possibly date a drug dealer as I might get addicted to drugs.”
  8. That being seduced by a female teenage stripper in Jamaica, who’d killed a girl the week before, and then stole my car was just one of those “funny things that happen when you’re doing drugs.”
  9. That although I had made a hole in my nose so huge by snorting cocaine that every time I breathed it whistled like a kettle when it was boiling I did not have a major drug problem.
  10. That after projectile vomiting having drunk car engine cleaning fluid while high on cocaine it was normal to attend several parties, rather than hospital, doing sign language as I couldn’t speak. I did not perceive myself as an addict but rather a party girl and socialite who’d been to too many parties.                                                                     Sign up for updates on this blog                                                                                                   Follow me on Twitter            Send me a friend request on Facebook






12 thoughts on “The 10 craziest things my denial has told me…

  1. You know what amazes me about todays younger generation is that they are so into health and fitness! I was out on the town last weekend, and didn’t drink for once as I was driving – I noticed that many of the young people who were vigorously dancing and having a super time, were quite sober! It was fun, I felt that people noticed me and I noticed them – normally I feel much more anonymous at those places, people probably just thought I was some drunk guy, whereas to go there sober, people seemed to think I was actually potentially interesting, rather than dangerous! Its weird! When I was a young adult, self destruction was the norm, or so I thought, the cool way to maintain respectful personal space! But now I’m just thinking WTF was That all about?? It suspect it had allot more to do with insecurity than I care to admit! XOX

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was always into health and fitness and healthy eating even when I was taking enough cocaine to give a rhino a heart attack and making myself sick three times a day. I seem to remember that I thought I was eating healthily as I puked up all the fast food! Alcohol turned me into a very unattractive lady indeed so I get much more positive attention now I am sober. I was frequently humiliating myself when I was drinking and my behaviour was embarrassing to other people. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Its sad to think really how we all used to fall about laughing after puking up half a gallon of beer like it was a badge of honour, and this cult of self destruction still goes on every weekend in towns and city centres up and down the UK, its such a waste of frustrated energy which could have been more constructive – I think there isn’t room for that many people at the top in this system, or else there is something else badly wrong with our culture, since I’m told they don’t do this to anything like the same extent on the continent.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha… that was funny, dear Caroline… I don´t know if it happens to you… but the feeling being wasted leaves me us usually a mix of embarassment with laughs and slaps on the forehead all together… I don´t do drugs, though… But when it comes to alcool I have some odd-funny-miserable- epic moments too…
    If Hemigway wrote his best novels being such a drunker… I guess it could not be `that´ bad
    Sending love and best wishes for your week… Aquileana🌟

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comments I am so pleased you enjoyed the post. Yes I wrote a lot when I was drinking and using drugs but I didn’t have the persistence to persevere after set backs until the work was published. Hence a lot of screenplays, sit coms etc in my bottom drawer that never saw the light. I hope you have a great week as well thanks for supporting the blog. Caroline 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing. I am one of the bingers still at 32 years of age, cocaine, ectasy, amphetamines, alcohol. I hate it I really do, old habits are very hard to break.


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