Day 99. After completing all blogging activities go to Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous meeting in Hampstead. Of course as the meeting is an hour and a half long, way beyond my concentration span, I arrive at the end of the meeting. Spend the tail end of the meeting scoping out the crowd to see if there is anyone I fancy. There is a Greek positively Arabic looking man but he has previously been very hostile. However at a group dinner after the meeting his attitude to me seems to have improved and he asks for my phone number. Not missing a trick I ask him round to my house the following day.
Day 100. Frantically blogging and promoting on Facebook my post about meeting the Prime Minister David Cameron. Then do an hour campaigning for Britain Stronger in Europe in only-safe-in-daylight Harlesden with Labour councillor. Mr Right, perfect parent to frozen embroyos comes to my house to pick up some leaflets but I realise I don’t fancy him any more. This is annoying as, although he is 20 years younger than me, I think he would make a very caring boyfriend. Gorgeous Greek/Arabic guy texts me to say he is coming round. Wildly excited I tidy up the house. He spends 3 hours at my house and says he wants to move in with me. Just as a lodger unfortunately. But because he is an addict and has previously been hostile and unavailable I decide he is the perfect boyfriend. As he is a Marxist and I am a Tory this may not work. We discuss in depth my plans to become the Minister for Mental Health.
Day 102. Another big Britain Stronger in Europe event with the Prime Minster, the leader of the Liberal Democrats and a senior Labour Party figure. Have met Prime Minister so many times this week it is starting to get very boring. As the event will be shown live on Television I try to position myself in prime view of the cameras. But unfortunately judge this wrong and only my foot is broadcast.
Get picture with Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, who is very nice. Then spend rest of day practising speech to give to crucial meeting of Labour Councillors in rough but improving Stonebridge.
Day 103. More campaigning for Britain Stronger in Europe as I visit a school in Harlesden to hand out leaflets about the referendum. I notice that many of the ethnic minority residents of my local area are not sure they are going to vote. This saddens me as it means they will be disenfranchised from this decision. Just before women’s Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous meeting very excitingly get a text from Greek Arabic looking guy inquiring about the theatre trip I have suggested. Am so wild with excitement that I feel like I’ve done 4 grammes of coke and, although I try to stay off my phone during the meeting, have to send him a text. Share about my attraction to Mr Dangerous and Mr Unavailable and resolve will try to stay away from him.
Day 104. Frantic day preparing my speech on the benefits of the European Union to what is supposed to be a massive gathering of Labour councillors in Stonebridge, Harlesden. Sarah my close friend from Divorced from My Drug Dealer Anonymous coaches public speakers for a living and gives me various presentation tips. When I turn up only 4 people are there revealing the apathy of the Labour Party about the Referendum.
The speech and Q and A session afterwards goes very well, Sarah says I am a natural presenter and should be on TV. We formulate a plan to try to make the Remain message more interesting to Labour voters. If Labour voters don’t turn out we could lose this Referendum, hence David Cameron’s cosying up to them.
Day 105. I share with my therapist that I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work and responsibility I have taken on for Britain Stronger in Europe which has displaced the blog as my new obsession. We decide I will refrain from answering emails at midnight. Still, as I have not had a job apart from doing building projects for my entire 11 year recovery, we both agree that the campaign is fantastic training for me to get a job in politics. Throughout my 13 years at the BBC I have never managed anyone. As I was always up to an hour late I was only ever asked to manage a tea round. Now I am organising a team of a hundred voluteers covering 30 events a week with supreme efficiency and flair. This requires quite a lot of psychology which I’m good at having spent decades in therapy. There is absolutely no sign that I have any mental health problems. I also love interacting with voters on the door step and trying to persuade them with my arguments. I could actually be a Member of Parliament, the first MP who opens admits to having snorted cocaine 22 hours a day!
Day 106. More campaigning for BSE as we go to a school in Wembley North London. Most of the parents are ethnic minorities and do not look like they are going to vote or know much about the referendum. I fear that many ethnic minorities are going to be disenfranchised from this referendum. Avoid going to Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous meeting in Hampstead where Mr Dangerous/Unavailable is going to be. Go to women’s Divorced from my drug dealer anonymous meeting, genuinely seeking recovery. But, as receive a barrage of texts emails and phone calls from people at BSE, cannot focus on the meeting.
Day 107. Wild excitement as drag myself out of bed pretty shattered to go to a Conservatives In leafleting event in South London. Not only is a government minister, Mark Holdsworth there, the head of the Conservatives In campaign but also the unpopular but constantly on TV business secretary Sajid Javid.
Is fantastic opportunity to show off highly effective street campaigning style to Tories in government as part of my mission to secure a job as the Minister of Mental Health. My first job, in charge of Mental Health, will be to tackle the massive disparity in waiting times across the country. Is such good opportunity for hobnobbing I ditch a Labour event in North London that I was due to go to. Minister Mark Holdsworth invites me to go on battle bus with Prime Minister David Cameron the following Monday. In such close proximity to Prime Minister I must be able to get a selfie and more rubbing shoulders with those in power will help my political ambitions. Spend afternoon leafleting in once dodgy as fuck but now improving Harlesden with Labour party councillors. But having had a whiff of power from Tory party cabinet ministers in the morning this is a bit of an anti-climax.
Day 108. Meet Mr Right as part of campaigning activities in the morning which unfortunately are stopped by torrential rain. But he is looking rather white and as White Man Apocalypse in on me in full force categorically do not fancy him. Have a coffee with him and stare at his beautiful face and wonder why I don’t fancy him. Because he was showing signs of unavailability – not answering my texts the previous night as he was out on a date – I thought perhaps I would. Rush to get nails done in preparation for meeting with the Prime Minister. I thought he was very hot – and I’m sure the feeling will be mutual. Alas while out campaigning that night get message from Conservatives In that there is no space on the bus for me. Will have to show off my nails to 75 year old married man I am campaigning with.
Day 109. Campaigning from 7.30 in the morning till 9.30 at night and finish the day feeling exhausted. But, apart from my commitment to the cause and wishing to avoid predictions of a recession and a million job losses if we leave, my obtaining a job as Minister for Mental Health depends on our side winning the Referendum. My Britain Stronger in Europe activities will be music to the ears of pro-European ministers. But if David Cameron has to resign and Leave campaigner Boris Johnson becomes Prime Minister there will be a purge of pro-Europeans from government and my Stronger In activities will be an anathema.
Day 110. Wake up so exhausted cannot go to my Step Aerobics class and realise I will have to tone down the campaigning. Have decided will only do a few hours today and will take night off and go to my women’s Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous meeting. See Mr Right again but he is looking very white. Fabulously my sponsor who has left London is at the meeting and we have a great catch up. Love this meeting and the women at it!
Day 111. More pressure from Stronger In as they say we have to deliver our polling day plans to them in two days time. As only about 5 people have confirmed they are going to be available on polling day we are not going to be able to do very much. Resolve that I will spend the whole evening phoning people to get them signed up for polling day. The opinion polls are looking bad – the people who want to leave Europe are ahead – and we have to put in every ounce of effort if we are to avoid being dragged out of the European Union. The wildly ambitious plans Stronger In had for polling day are simply not got to fly unless they supply us with more volunteers. As I have noticed that many of the ethnic minorities in Brent particularly muslim women look like they are not going to vote I hatch an idea to get the mayor of London, first Muslim mayor of any European capital, to my local area to address ethnic minority voters. This will generate TV coverage and maybe I will be interviewed. As I am trying to emphasise my minority credentials in order to get job in Tory party have decided I will change my hair extensions to semi afro and let my natural hair be in its natural semi Afro state.
Day 112. Shocking news that young female Labour MP, Jo Cox, mother of two young children has been shot and stabbed to death in her constituency. Jo Cox was a prominent campaigner for us to remain in the European Union and the person who killed her reportedly shouted “Put Britain first” before he shot her. Britain Stronger in Europe suspend all our campaigning activities fearing for our safety. As members of the public have free access to MPs and councillors in the UK this raises serious questions about the safety of all public figures. After such a lot of interaction with voters during the Referendum campaign I now want to be an MP myself. It is a testament to my recovery from decades of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that this brutal killing does not put me off.
Day 113. Frantic planning for polling day in the referendum. While internal argument rages as to whether I do or don’t go to the Hampstead meeting of Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous to see Mr Dangerous. Although I thought I’d weaned myself off men similar to the ex-armed robber Mr Dangerous, obviously, was a drug dealer. Of course the reason I do not fancy Mr Right is that he has no criminal convictions at all. After some reflection decide will probably go to the meeting. This is feeding the addiction but I do need a man I actually fancy in place to parent my frozen embroyos. The only drawback to this is that they may be born with little horns.
Feel incredibly wired as drive to the meeting, not missing the irony that I am going to a recovery meeting in order to fix my addiction. But God (who I now sort of believe in again) had other plans. Mr Dangerous was not at the meeting. Still, spotted an unfeasibly young but very attractive posh ethnic man who I managed to manoeuvre to sit next to at dinner afterwards. I always manage to sort these logistical issues out. But he was even more unavailable than Mr Dangerous. Go to the 50th Birthday party of a fellow campaigner in Britain Stronger in Europe where the man I immediately fancy is wearing a wedding ring. I guess I better get used to being on my own.
Next week: Does Britain vote to leave or stay in the European Union?