Day 65. Wild excitement as speak to hot guy from Elite Singles who phones me saying he is desperate to speak to me. Turns out he is an Oxford graduate, running a hedge fund and lives in Prime Central London Belgravia. Not only perfect boyfriend material but perfect sperm donor. Also he says he was a computer hacker and hacked into banks as a teenager. This thrills me as I still have a soft spot for criminals due to relationship with ex-armed robber. He becomes a bit nervous when I say he can’t read the blog (no way is any prospective suitor going to be let loose on this collected mass of insanity before they have even met me). But still says he wants to meet me the next day. Have to keep expectations down though as fact is have not fancied a single man I’ve met off the internet.
Day 66. Worst day ever with the online dating. Spent four hours getting ready for hot date (to artfully contrive “just got out of bed look”) with Oxford graduate. Alas when I popped into venue saying I was struggling to park he looked very different from his photo and did not fancy him at all. Must have given him a “who the fuck are you?” look as when got back after parking he had disappeared and was studiously avoiding my texts and phone calls. May have to retire from online dating as was so wild with excitement before meeting but now feel catatonic.
Day 67. Have made radical decision to decouple search for Mr Right from search for sperm donor. Will find sperm donor first and though controversial will go to Crete to have sex selection and create female frozen embroyos. Look up California sperm bank where have look alikes of film stars and resolve to call them asap. Also have secret interview with prospective sperm donor (secret because he has no idea) who friend from Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous has introduced me to. He is very intelligent but does have a receding chin..
Day 68. Go to Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous in Notting Hill obviously in search of man. Had eye on hot secretary last time I was there although he has blue eyes. But when he turns up his tan has faded and he looks too white for me. Another very dark man does catch my eye but he seems to be dating perfect blonde Barbie who is nuzzling his ear. Still spot other prospective men and resolve I will be back. For no reason kiss man as am trying to speak to hot dark guy next to him which leaves him rather confused.
Day 69. Reluctantly vote for Zac Goldsmith, Conservative Candidate for London mayor, because the Labour contender Sadiq Khan is apparently threatening rent control on private landlords ie me. This anti-landlord bias is why I can’t stand Labour. But feel very squeamish as Zac has run pretty divisive campaign saying Sadiq is an Islamic extremist and trying to set Hindus and Sikhs against Muslims. After voting, go to Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous in Notting Hill, obviously looking for man. Do spot one very hot guy in crowd but cannot quite stay off phone organising dates with people from Inner Circle and Elite Singles. Amazingly put recovery first and talk to a newcomer female who has eating disorder and OCD after meeting. No luck in the men department.
Day 70. I am now full on political activist and main organiser for Britain Stronger In Europe (campaigning for Britain to stay in EU) for my enormous local borough, Brent.
Go to Stronger In phone bank in Moorgate in the City of London to rustle up volunteers for events in my local area. Obviously also looking for politically switched on Mr Right. Alas, white man Apocalypse descends again and I don’t fancy anyone. Will seriously have to consider emigrating to Southern Italy or Greece to find ethnic looking Mr Right as 90% of men in England are not my cup of tea. There are serious problems with our proposed speaker tour of my local area as we had planned to have local resident and former London Mayor Ken Livingstone as our star speaker. Unfortunately after he said, and refused to retract, the fact that Hitler was a Zionist he is now too toxic for us to touch.
Day 71. I have had disastrous dates before but not actually ones where I feared for my personal safety. Met someone whose identity I will have to disguise in case they stick a knife in my back. He was very attractive but it became evident, as the date progressed, that this was in an American Psycho Patrick Bateman kind of way. He was involved with so many conflicts with politicians and the police and had such elaborate conspiracy theories about people being planted in his flat by secretive enemies that I almost offered him a dose of my anti-psychotics. I said after an hour that I would have to leave as his life was “too complicated” for me. He said 100% correctly that he had scared me and that I was running away. Spent whole journey back home looking over my shoulder in case he was following me.
Day 72. A joyous OCD day! Spent whole day locked up in my house not seeing anyone or even opening the front door. When the OCD was on me and I had to do crazy rituals 10 hours a day this was the only type of day I enjoyed.
Day 73. As part of efforts to re-start freelance journalism career went down to library in Kensington to read several weeks worth of newspapers. Noticed a lot of incredibly good looking dark men on Kensington High Street (probably Arabs who are living there) which was incredibly annoying as I didn’t have any makeup on. Resolved must spend more time in Kensington as part of quest for Mr Right. If only parking wasn’t so difficult!
Day 74. Back down to Kensington Library again to read more newspapers. Man hunt was unsuccessful as was pouring with rain and I had my gym stuff and no makeup on. Pointlessly put on loads of makeup as went to Ladbroke Grove Sainsburys. Although there was a very good looking Arabic guy he was extremely young and rather short.
Day 75. Date with man who lives near Sloane Square in Chelsea who’d been on £10,000 holiday. Was pretty sure would not fancy him as his face in the photos had a slightly froggy look. But actually had a fabulous conversation about politics (must get politically interested man) and decided he had a nice face. But of course, in common with all online dating, did not fancy him.
Day 76. I discover from my research that there are record numbers of women having their first child over 40 and decide I will use this as a news peg for a feature to relaunch my journalism career. I was previously a correspondent for the BBC, the Sunday Times and the Guardian before crashing out of my career in Jamaica due to my cocaine addiction and mental health problems. My career has been dead for 11 years which will take some world beating efforts at resuscitation. But now I have had almost 23,000 hits on the blog and am 11 years clean and in recovery from all my mental health problems, I have the confidence to try. Tea with cousin Miranda (one of only two members of my family I am actually speaking to) in which I discuss the over 40 story. Then rush to Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous in Notting Hill, obviously looking for man. Only spot one Arabic looking guy but he is very young and wearing white trainers so might be in the ex-armed robber faction of the fellowship.
Day 78. Start doing interviews with leading fertility experts as part of the over 40 1st time mothers story. Another angle I want to work in to the story, which will allow me to do a comic diary similar to the blog, is why virtual babies, which cry repeatedly at 3am in the morning and need to be “fed” “changed” and “soothed” are not available to older first time mothers. This comes after a Titanic struggle to get hold of a virtual baby in the UK which ultimately fails. As someone who has 9 hours sleep and rolls out of bed at 9.30am I genuinely want the virtual baby to see if I can cope with a child. Spend the whole evening frantically phoning all Brent volunteers for Britain Stronger in Europe events at the weekend. Alas having organised whole political meeting around which volunteers I fancy could come, call hottest volunteer, perfect boyfriend and sperm donor and find out he is abroad.
Day 79. Meet a close friend who I have had a falling out with and been avoiding because of her crazy behaviour around men. She tells me her wildly unsuitable boyfriend has hit her again and tried to strangle her. Am so terrified that something terrible is going to happen to her that I feel sick and I have to call psychiatric crisis line for the first time in 2 years.
Day 80. Feel calmer but tell friend I will not be in contact with her this week as I try to relaunch journalism career. Have multiple conversations with friend from Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous about how to talk to newspaper people. He says I should delete the blog as newspaper people will think I am crazy if they read it. I refuse to take down the blog. After numerous desperate requests on Facebook I have finally got hold of a Virtual Baby from eBay in the United States. I get card from Hermes (crap courier company) saying she has been left behind the bin. I rescue her from the bin. Obviously I had to have a female virtual baby due to obsession with having little girl.
Day 81. D day with the virtual baby and the virtual babies story. I unpack the virtual baby study the instructions and set the baby to demo which is supposed to be easy to care for. Baby starts shrieking every 5 minutes necessitating constant attention.
As every phone call I make to newspapers about the virtual baby story is interrupted by the howling of the virtual baby herself I realise a crucial fact: it is not possible to work while you are looking after a baby. After 2 hours of interruption I cheat and remove the electronics box and batteries from the virtual baby. The baby will be kept on silent until I get a commission to do the story. Am amazed at my confidence as I cold call the newspapers and get some positive interest in the story.
Day 82. I am on a tight rope wire as it seems there is a lot of interest in the story. I send through various facts and figures but have to be patient and wait. My interest in the online dating has totally expired and I haven’t logged in to any sites for ages.
Day 83. Go to Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous in Notting Hill obviously looking for man. Fortune favours the bold so I shamelessly approach two men I might fancy after the meeting. One is the blue eyed secretary who I thought was too white but actually realise is very hot. Not sure his economics would add up to large expense of child but will am definitely interested in exploring further….
Day 84. Day of heart attack inducing stress as I try to juggle spending whole day doing Britain Stronger in Europe work with blogging and continued search for Mr Right. Decide to go into Stronger In phone bank (although really don’t have time) in quest for politically switched on man. The coordinator of Stronger In is very dark and rather attractive but alas too short. Start wondering how I can find out if secretary for Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous is single and whether, by any chance, he want to parent my frozen embryos. Also think Palestinian Doctor with hair issues similar to mine who I never met as he cancelled date could be perfect sperm donor. Not sure how to approach him though as text along the lines of “although we’ve never met you sounded great and I want your sperm” could meet a mixed response…
Next week: I can’t predict as I don’t know what’s happened yet!