Day 32. Am practically in tears at the gym in the morning as the dating is going so badly. Then receive message from very hot and funny banker who I would definitely like to meet. Thankfully he is white, which means the White Man Apocalyse – not fancying white men – has lifted. Also waiting to hear from Palestinian Doctor though after Brussels attacks question whether I want to date someone of Arab origin. This is totally unfair as he is an atheist but it’s important to be honest about one’s prejudices.
Day 33. Do not hear back from funny banker so that avenue seems to be closed. Am getting messages from writer on Elite Singles although I am not sure I fancy him from his photographs as he’s rather short. Still have not heard from Palestinian doctor who’s obviously too busy to contact me. Go to Slaa meeting that night, primarily for recovery, but the great White Man Fear descends on me again as I realise I don’t actually fancy anyone. May have to look for a Greek as they look practically Arab.
Day 34. Get message from French man who lives near Sloane Square in Chelsea and is currently on a holiday in the Maldives that must cost £10,000. Although prefer people with no children resolve to call him when he is back in London. Go to Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous in Notting Hill (obviously looking for man). White Man Apocalypse descends again as only people I fancy look foreign. One is particularly hot but has massive tattoo down his arm. Am over that kind of “wearing my criminality on my sleeve” behaviour since break up with ex-armed robber.
Day 35. Very important news at doctor – I am not menopausal. But chances of conception as not having periods due to anti-psychotics are slim. When go into crazy behaviour around OCD doctor advises me not to come off anti-psychotics. But may have to risk craziness if want little girl. Go to my women’s only home group of Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous actually looking for recovery. Share that I suddenly want to get pregnant and that I am looking after a hamster for a week to prepare for a baby.
Am advised that hamster is not 100% like a baby and that need to get a puppy instead. As still have phobia of dog shit and barking this option looks unlikely.
Day 36. No time to meet Mr Right. Spend whole day posting blog and promoting on Facebook and Twitter. Then go out with friends including one I used to fancy but no longer fancy him.
Day 37. Join new dating site, the Inner Circle. But alas age shaving tactics are thwarted as I connect through Facebook and it transfers real age. Receive several likes and messages, some from very young men but not as many as on Guardian Soulmates where I am only 40.
Go on disastrous date with writer from Elite Singles who I do not fancy at all. Hardened after my exposure to the trenches of dating warfare I end the date after an hour. Have arranged to meet sexy voiced Actor again as feel he has so much going for him that want to see if I might actually fancy him. Although he is funny and I start to think I might fancy him a tiny bit date goes very badly and ends in a row. He accepts the revelation that I used to snort cocaine 22 hours a day and was arrested at Heathrow airport and charged with “Impersonating Scarface.” And that I was seduced by a female teenage stripper in Jamaica who’d killed someone the week before and then stole my car. But when I announce I am a Tory, he ends the date immediately.
Day 38. Discover that have received 47 likes on Inner Circle so launch frenzy of like sending back initiating flurry of messages. Am still not sold on online dating experience and think more likely to meet a boyfriend through political involvement. Have now joined two groups campaigning for Britain to stay in the European Union in the upcoming Referendum – Britain Stronger in Europe and Conservatives In ie pro European Tories. Think will ditch Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous on Wednesday and go to Britain Stronger in Europe HQ instead.
Day 39. Very exciting news on the Egg Front. Ring clinic who says will do IVF with my own eggs up to the age of 50. Little girl is back on the agenda. Book in consultation to have scan to determine whether eggs are past their sell by date. If not will immediately get sperm donor (brown eyes brown hair over 5’10” and preferably been to Oxford) to create genius frozen embryos. Of course ideal sperm donor is man who is not interested in me who I am half in love with. But as he has a serious girlfriend this that this could cause complications.
Day 40. Wild excitement as get ready to do first Britain Stronger In Europe phone bank. Am in great hopes of meeting politically switched on Mr Right. Use miracle exfoliating cream that makes me look 10 years younger then fake tan and spend two hours curling hair. But due to missing spot cover up crisis and fact that phone is telling me the address of the phone bank (next to Parliament) is actually in Birmingham arrive 40 minutes late. Immediately scope around room. Coordinator is quite attractive but very short. Everyone else looks too white. But in pub after phonebank feel slight sexual frisson as speak to short Coordinator. Maybe I actually fancy him?
Day 41. Go to Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous in Notting Hill obviously Looking For Man. But am pleasantly surprised to see famous writer, whose writing I love, doing chair. Love the chair and totally relate (in my head I’m famous too) so leave thinking have actually had great recovery experience.
Day 42. Recovery party at male friend’s house from SLAA. As there is no one I fancy there spend most of time answering messages from hot 25 year olds on Inner Circle.
Day 43. After spotting many single men at 8pm on Saturday night at my local supermarket dash into loo to put war paint on. Although I am there on my own on Saturday night I am not sure what they are doing there. Are they losers with no life?
Day 44. Attend London Convention of Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous partly in search of recovery but largely looking for man. Have date lined up for after convention but this turns out to be hopeless as prospective suitor is unemployed and has been rejected as an Uber cab driver.
Day 45. This is the day of the week that I do not leave the house or get out of my dressing gown. So contact with men is restricted to a charity campaigner who rings on my doorbell who I send away saying I haven’t got any clothes on.
Day 46. Date with very interesting sounding writer whose photograph I really like and got on very well with on the phone. Alas when I meet him I do not fancy him at all as his eyes are too small. My therapist has said I am putting up “insurmountable barriers to keep out men.” Maybe it’s because I’m worried I can’t have sex as my thing has dried up.
Day 47. Log onto Inner Circle and see flurry of messages and likes from hot 22 year olds. Respond to some of the messages but decide that 22 is too young and that I will only date someone of 25.
Day 48. Devastating news at the Egg fertility clinic. Although they scan my ovaries and say they look younger than my chronological age they said that it would take a “miracle” for me to get pregnant with my own eggs. Dreams of little girl die a death. Am so down after session that am practically catatonic in my therapy session and hardly say a word. But after lunch perk up as Recovery is full of miracles and decide to go to an arts networking party in Mayfair that night to continue quest for Mr Right. Alas only person I fancy there is too short.
Day 49. Receive message from man on Elite Singles about date organised 4 weeks ago that I’d totally forgotten about. Get encouraging message from Egg Clinic saying that results of my blood test to check my ovarian reserve are good. Little girl back on the agenda. Go to Britain Stronger in Europe campaign to call round for first political event I am hosting. Alas as I am late someone is already doing this but I do spot a very hot Spaniard volunteer who smiles at me across the room.
Day 50. As I am frantically blogging and preparing for Britain Stronger in Europe political meeting say cannot go on comedy night out with date from Elite Singles. Offer a drink but he postpones as he wants to do comedy.
Day 51. Incredibly fired up and feel like have done four grammes of coke after hosting first political meeting for Britain Stronger in Europe at a bar round the corner from my house. Meeting goes incredibly well (have been preparing all day) but alas I do not fancy anyone.
Day 52. Call from the fertility clinic saying my “ovarian reserve” ie number of eggs I have is that of someone 5 years younger. They still say it is very unlikely I would get pregnant with own eggs but I believe in miracles. Now need to get a letter from my doctor to say I am not too mad to get pregnant and referral to psychiatrist to switch my medication as the anti-psychotics are stopping me having periods. Have multiple messages with attractive half Brazilian man on Elite Singles. Am now considering all men I have contact with half as potential boyfriends half as biological specimins who could be my perfect sperm donor. But in light of previous bad experiences will wait till have spoken to him and met him before I get too excited. Go to Britain Stronger in Europe campaign meeting in Kensington. But alas only people who turn up are two pensioners and a married man with his wife.
Day 53. Have very successful conversation with half Brazilian man who is highly intelligent and also has cash. Immediately get obsessed with not only meeting him but thinking he can be parent to frozen embryos. Have serious conversation with therapist and friend from AA about why I want to have ethnic little girl who looks like me. Realise I am partly trying to heal terrible relationship with mother by having little girl and that this is not great reason to have baby. But also seeing my friend Susanna’s devastated reaction to her mother’s death realise I don’t have that strong love for anyone in my life. After the (surprising to me) news that sex selection is illegal in the UK, start investigating gender selection clinics abroad.
Day 54. Very exciting Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous meeting in Notting Hill as secretary of meeting is extremely attractive dark haired man with blue eyes who smiles repeatedly at me. Body fascism notices he has a bit of a belly but after a few months of my cooking (100 calorie diet microwave meals) this should not be a problem. Do not want man with blue eyes to parent frozen embryo as if child has blue eyes she won’t look like me. But am aware this is narcissistic control freakery and that it may be an “issue” I have to work through with my therapist.
Day 55. Go to Divorced from my Drug Dealer Anonymous in Notting Hill obviously looking for man. Find it difficult to concentrate in the meeting as spend entire time rubbernecking around to see if there is anyone I fancy. I linger after the meeting trying to catch various hot men’s eye. And amazingly they are white. Do talk to very attractive man after the meeting but not sure I fancy him. What have I been doing wasting all my time going to women’s meetings just looking for “recovery” when this cornucopia of talent is available at mixed meetings?
Day 56. Frantically phoning to set up two events for Britain Stronger in Europe but alas do not have time to go into phone bank to spot any hot talent. Decided to go to Hampstead Shagger and Lurve Addicts Anonymous meeting but because of political activities arrive at the end of the meeting. This works out perfectly as I end up sitting next to the best looking man at the meeting over dinner and being invited to a party by another hot guy. Gorgeous guy (alas only 26 but old compared to my admirers on Inner Circle) gets my email address and says he will read the blog. Hope he likes looking in the mirror.
Day 57. Go to a Conservative event in Central London as part of the Zac Goldsmith Campaign for London Mayor.
Refuse to appear in any of the photographs of the event as cannot be seen to be explicitly supporting Zac Goldsmith due to his desire for Britain to leave the EU. As the event is hosted by Eurasian Conservatives there are many interesting dark looking Tories there. End up talking to right wing Turkish man who is very attractive but we clash on the Kurdish Question. I voice support for the Kurds, with their female fighting brigades, saying they are more feminist than the Arab nations around them and that I have always supported an independent Kurdish state. He says the Kurdish Separatist PKK organisation are narco-terrorists and that they cannot be feminists as they rape women and abduct children. I blame the Turkish government for the breakdown in peace talks between themselves and the PKK last year and voice continued support for a Kurdish state. He accuses me of being a Labour supporter. We swap numbers but am not sure I can abide his anti-Kurdish views.
Day 58. More political activity as I organise a Britain Stronger in Europe meeting to cover the north of my borough. Alas apart from the two organisers only two people turn up at the meeting. Only man is a pensioner I must try to find the hot Spaniard from the phone bank. Still we make plans to target train stations, sporting events and concerts and supermarkets with our leafleting. Discuss the President Obama visit to the UK in which he voices strong support of Britain remaining in the EU. Think this will help us as will mayor of London and leading Leave the EU campaigner Boris Johnson’s comments that Obama doesn’t like Britain as he is Kenyan which makes him sound racist and Little Englander.
Day 59. Wild excitement as two very good looking young men turn up to Britain Stronger in Europe meeting in Hampstead in North London. Am there allegedly trying to make contacts in neighbouring borough but really looking for boyfriend. Even more excitingly all the hot guys actually live in my Borough so I get their phone numbers so they can take part in the “campaign” in my local area. Hope that campaign will end up spilling over into my bedroom.. One of the hot men is a Tory whose been to Oxford so immediately pencil him in as potential sperm donor. Not sure how I will approach this in my initial email “Hi Mr X I’d like you to do some leafleting for Britain Stronger in Europe outside Kilburn tube station. And, by the way, would you like to be my sperm donor?”
Day 60. Very interesting conversation with man from (different) fertility clinic who says they will treat me at my age and that if I want to do sex selection to have little girl I can go to do it in Crete. Apparently I need to do all preparation for IVF in UK then go to Crete for 10 days to get the eggs harvested. Sex selection is totally illegal in the UK. When I ask about sperm donors he says if you get sperm from California sperm bank you can get film star lookalikes with all details of their education. Do not want film star lookalike but want Hispanic donor who has been to good university. Alas unlike online dating you cannot get pictures of the sperm donor. What happens if he is shockingly ugly and the poor little girl ends up like me with Body Dysmorphia? Am slightly squeamish about paying large amount of money to go to Crete and do something so controversial. Decide will go for free consultation but think carefully about it while using dating to look for sperm donor. Therapist says she “is not sure I am having child for right reasons” and that fixing my hole in the soul caused by absent/abusive mother will probably backfire.
Next week: After trying to make it as a comic writer since 1999, I’ve now had more than 20,000 hits on my blog..